Hello, friends!
Ages ago, I was planning to write a blog post about my experiences of my new therapy. Of course, as always, life got in the way, and I never got round it! And since I saw the psychiatrist just before Christmas who referred me for this new therapy, there have been plenty of changes. So, I thought I’d tell you a little story about my therapy from then to now!
So, like I mentioned in a previous blog post, the psychiatrist referred me for therapy that I was told would essentially be CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) with an emphasis on ECS (emotional coping skills). The ECS part is because of my traits of emotional instability, and difficulty coping with my emotions in a healthy way. I was also told that this would be with a therapist specializing in autism, because of my autistic traits, I guess to help me better engage with the therapy and be better understood by the therapist.
A few weeks later (I think – I can’t remember when any of this happened to be honest), I had my first session with my new therapist. I have no idea if she actually specialized in autism, she never actually told me, but I just assumed she did because of what the psychiatrist had said. She was super friendly and kind and we got on well, I think. After a couple of ‘getting to know you’ sessions, the focus quickly shifted to compassion-based therapy. This involved a lot of filling in self-compassion workbooks outside of sessions, with practical tasks aiming to get me to realize the negatives of being self-critical (which I am all the time, by the way), and how being self-compassionate can benefit people in so many ways. Self-compassion is, like a lot of things, a skill that needs to be learned and practiced. I did all the homework, was honest and tried my best to engage in sessions, and like I said, got on well with the therapist.
Unfortunately, this is always enough. Sometimes the fundamental approach might not be a match for the individual. I always feel like therapy is going great and it’s ‘working’, before I get some evidence that it’s not and I’m actually just plodding along. Between my first and sixth sessions, my PHQ-9 and GAD-7 scores had actually decreased a bit (anyone who has had counselling or therapy before is probably familiar with these – they are basically measures of depression and anxiety). I took this as a great sign. My therapist then told me that she had got a new job and would be leaving in a few weeks. I thought, that’s fine! My scores are lower, therapy is clearly going well, and I might as well bring my therapy to an end, rather than continue with another therapist. It just seemed to make sense – therapy was coming to a natural conclusion. However, on my final session with her, I took the PHQ-9 and GAD-7 again. My scores were actually worse then than when I first started! I was like, well damn. How can I finish therapy now when I’m clearly not coping as well as I thought I was?! Life stress and general unsolved personal issues were really affecting me at that point, and so my therapist and I decided that it would be best for me to continue with therapy with another therapist.
A couple of weeks later, I had my first session with my new therapist. I immediately noticed how fundamentally different her approach was. Not necessarily in a bad way, just very, very different. My previous therapist was much more focused on the here and now, and what practical interventions I could use in my daily life. My new therapist wanted to delve straight into my past, and determine the origins of my maladaptive thoughts and patterns and behaviours. Which, in my opinion, made a lot of sense. If I can understand why I am the way I am, and what events or feelings triggered the thoughts and emotions I have now, I can start to tackle and challenge them. We had a great first session, where I came out feeling really optimistic for the next session. She recommended me a great book, ‘How to Be Human: The Manual’ by Ruby Wax. I bought it immediately after the session, it arrived the next day, and I whizzed through it. Ruby Wax discusses various topics from her personal perspective, before discussing them with a neuroscientist, to understand the physiological basis of how our brains and bodies influence our thoughts, behaviours, and emotions, and a monk, to understand the influences of the mind. I found it fascinating and relatable, and really easy to read. I recommend giving it a go if it sounds interesting to you. My therapist also said she thought I would benefit from EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy. This website can explain what it is a lot better than I could, so I’ll link it here. It’s traditionally used for people with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), but has more recently been successfully used for a variety of mental health issues. Although I don’t have PTSD, or what you would clinically define as ‘traumas’, there have been various events in my life that have had some kind of traumatic affect on me, most recently, the break-up of me and my ex. This event, and the whole relationship, still tortures me to this day. I was so keen to try EMDR to try and reprocess the event, and hopefully begin to move on from it.
I had my second session with this therapist yesterday. She started asking me more about my relationships (romantic and otherwise), and began to notice things about my patterns of thinking and my lack of engagement with my emotions that made her question what the root of these issues were. She took another look over the report the psychiatrist wrote after I saw her, and discovered that she had written that I have autistic traits. Which, of course, I knew. She told me that she’d only just noticed this written on the report. Frankly, I was surprised that she hadn’t thoroughly read through the report before we met, which would seem like the sensible thing to do. Then, she would have known about my autistic traits from the start. She told me that she had to be honest with me, but that my previous therapist had passed me over to her without really knowing how she works and what she does. She said that autism is not her specialism at all, and that I should see someone who actually does deal with autism. She said she wanted to refer me to a psychologist. Despite being a psychology student, I wasn’t actually sure what the differences between psychologists and psychiatrists and psychotherapists are. So, once again, I’ll refer you to this page if you’re interested. I asked if they would still do the EMDR therapy. She said that for EMDR therapy to be beneficial, you need to be engaged with your emotions, which I am not. I agree with this. She said she could see by looking at me that when I talk about highly distressing events and emotions, there is no feeling there to be seen. It’s like I’m numb to it. I can talk about it and yet not really deal with it. I told her that I always feel like I don’t experience emotions like everyone else doses. I’ve always felt like I’m different to other people. She said that this is likely due to my autistic traits, hence I need to see someone who understands better and can help me work through these issues. This makes sense.
We went to reception, where she asked if I could be referred to a particular psychologist. They said that the waiting list was two to three months. My stomach dropped. I don’t feel I’m currently able to go that long without support. So, we agreed to put me on the waiting list, but in the meantime, see a therapist specializing in autism so that I can continue some kind of therapy while I wait. So I have an appointment booked in two weeks time.
I just want to add in here that, if I haven’t mentioned it before, I pay privately for my therapy. I am well aware that I am very fortunate to be in a position where I am able to do this, and I know that a two or three month wait is nothing compared to NHS waiting times. Just wanted to mention this so that nobody thinks I am being ignorant!
So, that brings us to now. I feel a bit deflated. Like I said, I was so eager to start EMDR and tackle the demons of my past. Now, I have no idea what the future of therapy holds for me at the moment. I feel a bit like I’m being passed around from person to person because nobody knows how to help me or what to do with me. But hopefully, these changes are for the best and things will work out whatever happens.
That’s all, folks. See you in the next one!
Credit to Fi for coming up with the title of this post, because my brain wasn’t working well enough to think of a good one!
We Will Be OK. 