Unhappy thoughts.

Once again, I have abandoned this blog for a couple of weeks. But fear not, I’m back! I’ve been kind of busy I guess – but mainly just exhausted. I’ve not been feeling my best for a while, and this is something I wanted to talk about here.

When my depression was bad at uni, all day every day was bad. Now, I am definitely better than I was back then, but at certain times of day, my depressive feelings peak.

I know that for some with depression, mornings are the hardest; finding the will to get out of bed is the hardest part of the day. I am the opposite. The later in the day it gets, the worse I feel. I think this is for one reason in particular – the fact that I run out of things to do.

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I am basically Sadness from Inside Out.

Idleness fuels depression. To me, that much is clear. I try to have productive days, but when I have finished everything I need to do, my mood starts to dwindle. I’m left with nothing but my thoughts. I get jittery and tense. My leg starts to bounce up and down (an anxious trait of mine). I remember not too long ago, I went through a period of quite intense irritability and restlessness, every evening, almost like clockwork. I didn’t have anything to do, nor did I want to do anything. A confusing state of mind to be trapped in.

I had been alright for a while, but recently, my end-of-the-day bad feelings have started to return. I get overly self-critical and quiet. I start thinking of everything I think I have done wrong during the day, which in my mind, make me a terrible person. I send out long apology messages to people I might have annoyed or hurt during the day (mainly to Fi. Sorry about that. Oops. Another apology). I convince myself that I have no future, that I won’t succeed, that everything will fail. All of this comes flooding into my mind, even if I’ve had a good day and don’t necessarily have a reason to feel depressed.

^ These describe how I feel most of the time!

I wrote in a previous post about how new beginnings motivate me – mornings are when I feel my best and most positive about what I will achieve that day. But it never seems to last any more.

I am trying to increase the amount of time I have between therapy sessions at the moment, but it’s hard. I always feel better after taking to my therapist, but that positivity never lasts long either. It’s like after ‘x’ amount of time, I am programmed to forget everything my therapist has taught me. But this time, I am trying my best to hold onto one particularly valuable piece of knowledge he has given me.

‘These bad thoughts about yourself, are they a fact, or a symptom?’ he asks me. I reluctantly reply that they are a symptom. Realistically, I know that depression has a knack of warping your thoughts and emotions and making you believe things that aren’t necessarily true. In the middle of my mini nightly breakdown, however, this can be hard to remember. But I am trying.

These bad thoughts about myself are not fact. They are a symptom of my illness.

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Yesterday, I bought myself a ‘positivity’ bracelet. I already know that I am not going to take it off for a very long time. Every time I look at it, I want to think of good things. I want it to serve as a reminder of happiness.

And one day, maybe I will be able to turn down my pessimism and power up my optimism! We can but hope! I’ll just keep taking it one day at a time.

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