Am I gay…?

For me, the short answer is ‘pretty much’!

It took me a looong time to come to this conclusion! Up until I was 20 years old, (I’m only 21 now!) I was convinced I was straight. I’d never considered any other possibility, I simply never thought about it! I honestly don’t know how I didn’t realise sooner. I never really ‘fancied’ boys that much then I was younger. My friends would talk about all of their crushes and I would just sort of nod along! My best friend used to joke that I was a lesbian because I never expressed an interest in male celebrities or whatever – perhaps this was a future-telling?!

Sometimes I would get the odd crush on a boy. But in hindsight, I realise that I’d basically always mistaken attraction for just enjoying the attention said boy was giving me. So, I’m not sure I’d really say that I’d ever had a proper crush on a boy. Or a girl yet, for that matter. But, like I said, this whole lesbian thing is still really new to me, and I’m still getting used to the fact that I can actually find girls attractive!

At first, when I had this revelation, I assumed I was bi. I could still find guys attractive too, right? But now I realise that there is a difference between finding someone ‘aesthetically pleasing’ and actually being attracted to them. And I just don’t get attracted to guys.

Sometimes I feel sort of invalidated or like I’m not a ‘real lesbian’, because I have never dated a girl and I have only dated one person in my life – a guy. Like, how could I possibly know what I like and dislike? But the truth is, I know myself – and that is good enough for me!

If, for example, I ended up with a guy, that wouldn’t mean what I feel right now is a lie or I was just ‘confused’. My feelings are real and valid, and right now, I feel like I want to identify as a lesbian! And that is totally cool and I am not ashamed about it!

I want to make it clear that this isn’t a ‘coming out’ post. Lots of my close friends and family already know I like girls! However, perhaps they don’t all know yet that I actually don’t like boys as well! So, to anybody I know who might be reading this – it might be a bit of a surprise, so… surprise!

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This is who I am and I am proud!

Anybody else out there who only really discovered their sexuality in their twenties? Let’s chat about it in the comments!

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12 Replies to “Am I gay…?”

  1. Love you lots Emma! Your so inspiring, and I will support you in every way! As RuPaul Says “if you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else!” Don’t feel anxious because you are attracted to girls! And I wouldn’t feel awkward hanging around with you either. Just because your gay it’s not like your preying on every girl! Love you Emma xxx

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  2. I am so proud that you are my daughter. I love you so much and I want you to know that I support you in every way 100% xxxxx

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  3. Emma, wow. Not only what you are writing but the style in which you are is so inspiring to see. I genuinely wish you all the best for your future and finding even more out about yourself. Life is a funny thing that teaches you a lot of lessons.

    Maybe me you and chloe should go for a coffee some time?

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  4. I have trouble remembering what I had for breakfast these days at my age as to what I thought about when I was in my 20’s. On a different slant to your question though I do feel saddened by people labeling people by their gender, sexual preferences, colour of hair, clothes they wear or even music they listen to. I will avoid religion or politics (but they are included). People (and most do) should accept people for who they are not what they believe or how they want to live their lives. You are friends with someone because you like and respect them as a person. The world, I am afraid to say, has it bigots and the best way to stand up to these bullies as it were is by being yourself. If people then decide not to like you for your taste in clothes or music or your sexuality then they are not worth worrying about. The world is full of people who will accept you for being you and a person being true to themselves is something no one can take away. Keep up the blogs and though I may not comment on many being an old grumpy fart I do enjoy reading them.

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    1. Hi Mark, thank you for your comment! I do agree with you. In an ideal world, everyone would accept each other for who they are full stop. However, the world is ridden with stereotypes and judgements and they are hard to shake. We live in a world where, for example, you are straight until proven otherwise – hence you don’t get people coming out as heterosexual, because it is the ‘norm’. I can only hope that the generations to come continue to break down social boundaries and become even more accepting and unconditionally loving than the last! I for one am incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people who do accept me for me, no questions asked, and my heart breaks for those who aren’t so lucky.

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